Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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