I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
