sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
