I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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