Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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