i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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