If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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