we made out on top of his cat.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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