Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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