I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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