its not stalking. its research.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
