grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
