I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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