I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
