my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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