Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
