so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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