nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
