I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize