no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
