good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
