You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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