I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
