So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
