I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
