Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
