happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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