quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
