if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize