he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
