i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
