She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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