gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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