i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
