Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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