We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We are all done wearing pants today
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
