actually, I'm a sock model
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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