Where is the hickey?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
