He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
