New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
