So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize