he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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