garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
