I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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