I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize