I'm so fucking centered right now
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
