Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
