So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
