there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
