In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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