if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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