glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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