The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I want a musical about memes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
