If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
