Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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