just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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