He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
