people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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