Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
And then he peed in my hair
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