i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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