New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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