I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
