Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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