I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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