the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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